Lunar muses, Episode 1: The New Beginning

 I wish you happiness and success, if there exists a thing called luck, that's too. I am writing this blog while listening to the Best of Paganini. This blog will also go through highs and lows similar to the music is am listening to, but I will ensure you will have a good time. 

This series was supposed to have phases that were no moon and full moon or to interpret them as hopeful and dark times. But it has been 3 weeks since or it seems like that, and I have already moved on that thought. This series will simply follow these two days as natural and will not have any significance as such. To this day I might have uploaded more than 30 long videos and too many shorts to count, My earlier 42 blog series too will be over by now as the last chapter was released on my birthday and I hope to have already written everything that is to be uploaded in this lunar muses.

I did not have any confidence in releasing these chapters. I was afraid to be judged based on my writing skills, I was afraid that people would question my past and my views. I was afraid but with results not for taking action. I wanted to write so I wrote. I wanted to let it known by the world, So I shared but I also wanted to get acknowledged that yes you are on the right track Anil. Although I did not get this phrase straight to me, I was still sure that it meant the same and I kept going. 

The people who helped me a lot in this phase were Kanudha and Gagan. There might be others too which I am forgetting right now, but the main guy was me. I am not being Kanye West or Mathew Mac... too hard to remember ... 

I Knew the ways, I knew the path, I had been to those streets, I had met those people, But I was still lost on how to walk that path again but with an identity and with a hope to make a living and bring happiness and do something which creates a meaning to someone's life. 

I honestly believe I am different from others, I have something that I don't see often in others and still, I am nowhere. I think I met the people who were like me quite early, but I got intimidated that they were already doing so much, and there are so many of them, am I not so special anymore? 

What defines me is my actions and my intentions behind those actions if they are visible. I was always around that feeling to understand myself but I never took that leap of faith towards me. I never explored what's hidden inside me. I flew with flow, I went wherever the wind blew and now I am stuck or was at the time of writing. Today is the 2nd of April and I have already started this month with a bang. 

My plans are simple. 

I will pick up whatever I want to learn, and give it a 10 min schedule. 

Now I will pick up randomly which one I want to follow on the day, or the one I already made progress on. Whether I am working somewhere, well I should be, hopefully- I should still be able to grow and progress daily. 

I am also curating or planning to curate a curriculum to teach chess, A way through which anyone can understand and be able to play. I would like it to be my side hustle or if am doing well it will be my initiative, still, I just feel like I should explore all my strengths and give them a closure if they need one and progress wherever I can. 

For my first-ever chess tournament, I scored 2 out of 6 and in the next one I scored 2.5 out of 6. 

This was the first time I felt humbled, but also excited, I got to there is a thing called coaching: after hearing about the coaching fee, I felt I was well off being a geeky human, so why put focus anywhere else. I also met amazing guys there too. Raman is the only name I remember though. He won something in the 2nd tournament I participated. This tournament was also the first time I met students from high-maintenance schools like Ryan, Ghaziabad or Gurukul. They were no different than me. I can say I was from almost a low-budgeted private school but it was still not the cheapest and the cheapest or low-budget are also synonyms to the culture of the school and the existing discipline. Teaching staff and resources are just too far to even compare with. The only difference between those students and me was in confidence. It could also be natural to them but I did feel a bit low due to the stark difference when compared to a group, I could have stood my ground maybe 2-3 more from my school but not everyone, and it also drops down the enthusiasm of participating in such events. 

It feels so long, I am coming back here after half a month to complete this blog, this has been the longest I have kept a task on bay after learning HTML. 

I was reading it again to see where I left off, oh boy there were too many dates. As this is going to be the first episode of the lunar muses I want it to be special. I showed you doubt, confidence, shame, and honesty now remain lust, jealousy, anger and curiosity. Maybe many more.

It was like this feeling of withdrawal when I ate lunch. I believe it becomes hard to follow a schedule in the evening, and While I pushed through the boredom, I encountered lust. My brain and the stick went into arousal just because I was not following my schedule. I had already talked about porn addiction before on my Youtube channel and I summoned all the universe's energy to make a vow to never submit to arousal if it is a choice you make when there is other stuff pending and also you are feeling bad. It's kind of complicated but in general, I will not lose to boredom, anxiety, or restlessness just for feeling aroused. 

I have yet to find a moment where I felt jealous for more than a minute, maybe when I was a kid this was often but I think I found a way to turn jealousy into destiny and mark them out of bounds, I am not sure of that and I will seek a way to tap into that. You can maybe hold onto this thought and put me up on a hot chair, maybe the momentum will let the truth out. I started a challenge which should be finished by now. Hehe, I am confused now should I tap on that, well here goes nothing- You will see me carry out 25 activities or more which in the end will me 25 skills more than my last birthday. I am still looking for work and now this is the ultimate week. Today is day 3 of that and I have 4 last days. I can extend dates but I still want to believe in Me and find one soon. 
I hope not to fail my parents and this is what I call Melonch..  It is true though. I want to let out my anger too and writing is really like a soft something, you can't yet at someone through writing can you?

I downloaded happn just now because the tension of those hormones was at its peak, I signalled brain look I am looking for what you desire so settle down, I was reading and listening to dopamine-related and I find some tricks to play with the brain and how to settle those nerves, although what I am doing is only just impulsive but just now I uninstalled it too, without letting my emotions go wild. I had the power to say no and I went on a streak of 15 nos. until one came but even after that there were 2 yes in 50 so I consoled my brain this is not the time for you and this is how I escaped that hormonal pursuit. 

Now I just need to keep myself busy and in public and I should be good to go. I do feel embarrassed while sharing these mind processes with you well I could be lying to you anyway, but I feel alright because when this is uploaded I will be in the 2nd phase of my life reaching 30 and old people don't get embarrassed easily they have thick skin and I already started wearing mine. 

So did I miss something? 
Let me know

adios.