Chapter 1 : finding nimbu

"Statue"

I thought we were playing the game nevermind. 

Life is easy right! You just have to learn something, then get a job irrespective of whatever you learnt. Earn money and survive.

Atleast that's how I thought when I was in school. "Finding nimbu" is word play on a famous movie finding Nemo and lime aka Nimbu in Hindi, refering to sour moments of my life. These moments are sour because there is not a single thing I would change if possible to alter them in past or can't because I don't know how I will be in future.

I find these moments very proud or least to say achievements but I think I was not able to efficiently put them to use or something. I know this all might sound awkward but it is.

I will try to most relevant one which I remember now and you can be part of this journey and give your opinion what would you had done if you were in my shoes.

During my schooling some moral values or life lessons which were feeded to into my brains were:

1. Girls are trouble:

  Go easy on me and whoever feed me this value. Intention behind this sentence was to study and not get distracted so that you destroy your future. Well I can't comment on my future for now but it was a paradoxical situation. 

First I was quite keen believer of this scenario until I got a crush for the first time. Those hormones were hard to handle. Almost for 10 years in my conscious schooling time I was unintentionally rude to girls. 

Wait before you throw bullets at me, calm down, I was not disrectful towards them just used to behave as they are thorns which I have to dodge. Right, pretty messed up. It's not that I didn't have any interaction with them, but all of them were quite non lenient. 

One example to show how dumb my behaviour was : I was a kid who don't cheat but somewhat lenient on homework and projects but a straight no to girls. 

The only saving grace I had was I was good in studies.

It took a while for me to make friends in that department. Only girls I talked were either family friends or study rivals, arch nemesis type. When I was in diploma where there were no girls in my class that time I understood how fortunate my school days were. 

I can literally go on and on about this whole situation and I still won't be able to finish my thoughts, but in short it was a time where I was dumb and unaware but intelligent at the same time. I might prepare a chapter for this whole messed up situation and how it had affected me till now.

2. Cursing is sin;

This is a straight forward teaching, but only error this teaching had was this should not be enough. There should be more to it. For me using words like brother in law and dog in Hindi were curses, so you only assume how hell would had been my schooling was. I still resist saying these words if possible 😂. 

There is nothing wrong is not cursing but we should be taught something or a way to throw out anger and frustration. My build was also not something which could had dettered people to speak ill to me. Also my activities were not so polite or gentleman that would stop people. By all means I was defenseless so I used to get into lot of losing fights. The only fights I won were one where someone lunch broke and another where I got a hit first. But they were just 2 days while I got well bullied just for fun almost 50% of time. 

Disc. 

This was not a bullying you see in Korean culture but still 1-4 punches a day with 400gm hands something they doesn't hurt but it damages that mind. While I am writing this down something clicked in my mind. There was a period of time I n my college days I was restless because I can tear. There were to tears in my eyes. Onions only gave pain. I even went on for searching how to cry for men. 

According to psychologist brain of mine, I think it was my self defence mechanism which stopped the eyes for crying. I was a cry baby in school. If there was even a slight injustice to me I would cry. I think my environment in school made me dry so that atleast I can stop the feeling of being weak. 

Well I ain't a psychologist and this ain't a therapy session. I will milk it out in another chapter but I think not cursing as a choice while not a Bane but not really a boon for me. Also it's not that I can't curse somehow I can be seen sometimes saying uck and screw it other bads words used in western culture because there was never a no for English words. But that's a topic for another time. 

Duhh! I can't think of any other for now. But you do get my point right. This concept of finding lemon has given me some eureka moments about my life. 

For now I wanna declare this I am starting to get back into a routine of learning and on my way to get a skill to land a job and use my brain for good. 

I think I should conclude this for today, with something to keep with me to express myself more. This helps a lot to understand myself and for you if you have someone who goes to school you can just ask them well, they are smart so use smartness while asking so that they can give honest answer and if needed help can ask for it. 

So I will be on my way to make my future and you can save someone's future. Although there are no concrete learnings here but you are smart yourself. Just breathe and live and ask for help if needed.

Signing off with my high pixeld pic here !

Brianil. Oh and happy birthday eshan.