Chapter 13: Fear

What fears do I have?

This is a interesting concept, fear, do i even have fear?

yes!

My fears are strange yet common one.

do i fear of dark?

do i have clusterphobia?

do i fear heights?

do i fear large water body?

do i fear fire?

do i fear snakes?

do i fear insects?

do i fear large animals?

do i fear attention?

do i fear lonliness?

do i fear of missing out?

do i fear people will forget me?

do i fear people wont recognize my work?

do i fear getting judged by people?

do i fear backstabs?

do i fear my parents?

do i fear joker?

do i fear my darkside?

do i fear unknown?

do i fear my incognito history?

do i fear my spelling or grammatical errors?

while writing do i fear, i felt i am writing this whole list with bad grammar?

i dont know but i will talk about all teh above mentioned fear and do i have them and while writing this if i remembered other fears too i will list them.

Darkness and i have some connection, its not a calling but i love darkness and the stars which are emitting their lights from the past. I don't have fear in walking in lone road but i do think i wont be able to handle the absence of light. In a total dark room i might not panic but i wont feel good too. 

but if i am tired enough i might sleep there too. So its ambiguous to say if darkness is my fear.

Cluster phobia is the fear of closed spaces. I dont mind that, so No i dont have it. But i do feel bad or ill not fear, which is cluster, i just don't like a group of large quantity, or i just dont wanna be there. It looks a source of potential disaster which can't be controlled and can cause any misadventures or harms. I dont like high noises too, so my big NOs in life are big parties like shaddi's and events, loud musics and celebration. I just enjoy peace and i believe thats one of the reasons i am can stay calm. 

I have yet to know if i fear heights, so in general there is nothing personally which can stop me if i wanna climb high, so i believe thats a no, but it does feel right good looking down. I have trekked mountains and i think a person who fears height wont do them, correct me if i am wrong.

I do have a single trauma{fancy word} i mean its for me for the accident i had, sometimes there are words which are usually associated with bigger accidents or incidents or events and somehow if the word is used for a unit metric of the event size it does not feel right, although in my case i literally drowned when i was too little. Though even after that i do not feel threatened by any water bodies, i have been to tank, river, lake, fall and a sea. I might flex here and there, hehe.

It was diwali and our house was smaller than it is now and on a bed i was eating jalebi and my brother lighted the bedsheet where lots of crackers were there, and it was before 2010, i was damn scared of fire from then on. Its not that i will run away seeing a fire, but i was pretty much away from stuff which need to handle fire. I still am still awry of fire but it has calmed down a little. 

I have 3 close encounters with snake, and in only 1 case did the snake and i mend our way, while the rest two i think the snake was no more as it was not in good position to be and humans felt threatened by them, Also they were pretty small so easily handled, and these events are from my child hood. So in avg i do not fear them, but if it felt like i am in dangerous situation because of a snake i might fear them but i can hold myself against them, conditions applied.

There are some moments of privacy you wont want anyone to be there and thats the only place i fear insects rest i might feel ill but not fear seeing them.

believe it or not, anything around a human size or more is dangerous and i try to keep distances and thats also including humans.

So this is confusing, i am someone who likes attention but at the same time i am fine with being invisible among the crowd and i will also be fine with being a part of the group and just being with them. Now i dont know how someone may measure this thing but i think my adaptability score should be high, but i do fear a large attention, so i do fear stages and i do fear conferences. also it does not imply i wont go and participate, i might get bombed there but i have enough courage to stand there.

last 4 years i enjoyed solitude, just give me a stream of books, a calorie efficient diet and a roof i am good to go. For ever.

Fear of missing out is real, and i do have it for somethings but not for everything. 

I once wished that people may forget me and so that i can reintroduce myself like i always pictured to do but did not had the courage to do. So no even if everyone forgot me i will remind them again or create new memories.

Mistreatment is quite occasional in work life, i have not faced it as i have yet to work but i will feel pissed about that and i am pretty emotional in that sort maybe i might get my tears back if that ever happened with me again. 

getting judged;

this is subjective and for me i care but i dont mind! so its like i would feel people are eyeing me or talking about me but wheter its good or bad i wont let it hurt me. 

I have yet to face betrayals so it might hurt but i will see,

I think deeply i had always been immune to anyone but maybe yes i still fear them.

Joker and dolls, i did not write about dolls but due to anything which has human representation and the data i have been fed, Its damn scary. I genuinely fear them a ton. 

My darkside is little less dark but the me with more logical freedom and non human, i don't know how to put it?

It would not be scary but would it be good for society that i won't know. It might even become a antagonists, but for sure it wont be protagonist or a villian.

Unknown is not scary to me, but it does have it own chills. If anything i were to do there would be mostly 3 circumstances right, yes and no and something not them, So with 66% chance of definite answer i am pretty alright with any result, it may hurt but it wont be my fear. 

Well my Incognito is not that wonderful or spicy, i have never put effort in darknet yet, so i am pretty chill in that aspect, i might feel embarrassed with the search results but i dont think i have that platform yet where i can discuss the science behind that and maybe i can build that myself, but i would require a lot of free time and people are enthusiastic about it and for the science and how to keep it non-nsf, Damn too much work.. but i will put it in a list of doing things. Well if you are up and interested to work on this platform/site/server just put a "odin hii" spelling hudini just after that or simply text about it.

While writing all of that, i did feel weird, are people gonna judge how bad am i in writing but still i wont betray my goal, which was to rant, and be it gibberish i will just rant here.

also there might be more fears to explore but i dont remember them yet, you can share general or specific fears if you have heard of them in the comments. We can explore those too.

You dont get time to talk about your fear, because its advised not to tell the world i fear cat so that they smother your room with cats: i heard the grapevine, not sure if that happened.

So maybe take your time, think about your fears, talk to me if you want to talk about it and haven't got anyone to share with.

alright
that's all
adios
brianil

pretty good click right!