Chapter 14: love life

Hottest topic I will ever talk about myself.

I wanted to skip this today too, It hard to talk about this.

Hard as it naturally nothing to talk about.

I had crushes which, expired over the time, and now love is just an extra shell i have which wont be cracked until i start my 2nd journey. 

I feel i have shared my past stories with enough people and they are not even fun anymore or any emotions attached to them. 

But i will talk about my potential love story. This could be the framework in which i might fall in love in future in my journey.

It would during my time when i will be travelling until i find love or place where i can just sat down and enjoy my rest of my life. My idea of living the life is simple, eat enough to stay healthy and feel protected, read books, draw and write anything, cook anything and simply sleep. 

I think there will be two paths which i can see will be given in my journey, Either self love or longing for someone. It could be single person or a community. I am not religious by nature so it won't be any mountains, but maybe forests or beaches might be the end place. You might have seen the minecraft game once in your life right, so how would you create your dream home? My home would be that. I definitely don't like loneliness, but i don't mind getting lost in reading a book. Alas books don't last forever. 

So during my journey, i will most likely meet people like me, who live for this, and maybe i might get attracted to someone and story clicks or gets a no and talash for another one. There could be chances of maybes, and they stinks, as being hopeful is a postitive thing but avg net its negative, it haunts. I do not even know what my age will be when i am doing all this, i might even be in my 4s, or as early as 3s, but it will take 5 years atleast to build this lifestyle up, or even if i get lucky, i will wait and build a solid foundation around me so that i can atleast sustain myself from any unknowns. This is just my crazy calculations and aspirations, i still haven't figured a shit out but i have these dreams which i want to live and soon they will grow on me and maybe i might accomplish them. 

but thats not what we are here for right,

my love life.

There is just too much to think and talk about but without any substance and experience its all words.

I don't find myself as caring or emotional one somehow and is that a red flag? Not sure but i do respect and care what i posses. posses is such a hard word. But it is what it is, and there is difference in it, no one can posses a living being, I might be connected to them but i can't bind them to myself, for me everyone has the right to posses freedom, and this is what differs me from my family, even though i am born in a typical pahadi family, my thoughts literally are influenced or aligned to the west{ i dont know if its west but its the saying.} 

I am not sure whatever i am writing is what i feel deep inside and it wont be revealed until something related to that happens, but this is the present me, and what i think inside. So freedom and family has nothing common context, it was just a segway, but what i meant was, as a typical indian family i won't align with them in some moral values. This might be biggest dealbreaker in most of my future. 

I don't think i will even have any demands within a relationship, being there with each other should do it. I think i have been pretty vocal about my no kids policy. I don't feel like i need to have someone born with my genes. Nor do i feel guilty about that. The world is already full, i don't know what qualties my genes have, and i feel that if hypothetically i will have a baby i would feel like i should be giving them everything there could be given and how a person should be raised, and that definitely wont make a healthy lifestyle for kid and me. i will the typical shifu who trains their pupil for every possible situations out there, But with adoptions, atleast i wont have to go through the chances of losing my beloved while giving birth, {i have seen so many cases in films and heard of one in real life} and the period of raising a kid is just too difficult. And i have seen a lot of writers descripting how a adopted child likes to do good things as they want their parents to love them, so no mischiefs and win -win...

well this is all just hypothetical and maybe fictional most of the moment, but i don't see many bad things in it. Maybe it will difficult to find someone who is just for me with this beliefs and we fall in love, but if it happens may it be beautiful or i will be in peace with myself and stories.

I think thats all for this, i might get more to talk about this later, but not today.

Adios

Brianil

I hope you find yours.