Chapter 18 Discover crying

 It was 2018 when i first discovered that i had lost the ability to cry. I went through so many emotions, one of them being the thought that i am emotional less, which in itself was contrary as i was feeling sad for not able to cry.

I consulted my friends, ranted to strangers, i might even had put it up in public something with how ridiculous i am... In the retrospect i think i cried virtually over not able to cry. Maybe whining is the word. I talked about how i think i got the reason why i am not able to cry, I don't even remember if i put all of my thoughts there. So, now for the closure, i will just carry on with whatever thoughts i have, how am i feeling right now about this fact, and how to go ahead with this in life.

I believe questioning is the most interesting part of life, if once discouraged in childhood, everyone starts keeping the thoughts to themselves. Even i the curious guy, although i had been the ridiculous one to ask anything, i forget to ask myself. Ask questions which helps in improving and knowing the self.

So when writing my first blog, i asked the reason to myself why this happened, i got the answers myself. And i paid 0 to any psychologist for that. I felt pride but also embarrassed about the 2018 me, who went through countless night on the topic of how did i become a person like that. 

I still have a lot to figure out, there might even be some general things which might be common to many is innovation to me, but on the realization i think i can do better. 

This is one of the steps i think i can take to better my mental health. For me crying was essentially a burden when i was kid. The state i am in is the result of hard conditioning myself, and a result of how cruel a world could be. It was cruel to that kid, now it may look childish but it did hurt then, and if it happened now it might be less painful but it would still hurt. The realization that i can't cry only came back when i met a group such people who were empathetic, who were more learnt, well whoever, they may have or not come from the same social background than i did, so how can our personality be same.

Every individual is different that's a common sentence everyone might have heard, but it so true to bittern truth. If i can't cry over some sad scene or moment, it doesn't make me less of  a human than others.  I am just grateful i am able to sort out these emotions right now before entering the maze of responsibility and maturity. 

I think why i even felt bad that i can't cry was because others were able to cry so easily and it was a beautiful feeling to cry our heart out and that feeling of missing out just made it worse. 

Now there are two ways to carry this, i think i had put 80% if whatever knots i had over crying here, but the greedy writer inside of me want to give more instances how's, why's and others aspects of this. I am genuinely writing these blogs to entertain myself, to explore my writing skills and improve on them and last but not least its to stay in habit, so even the thoughts of just writing for the sake of writing makes less sense to me. Whats more conflicting is that i am not forcing myself to write as only write when it comes naturally to me, so now its a battle of mind over heart and for that i am taking a break. I might get on totally different foot as i don't know when i will carry this forward but that would be the best for you and me too. 

back again and i feel i lost all the thoughts around what i was discussing, 

So it won't be natural for you to read all my internal struggle of writing this blog. I believe i was concluding about the topic.

I stopped crying because i wanted to protect myself from this predatory world, i missed crying because the environment after i passed school too wholesome outside and i was not able to fully open up and embrace it, i missed on those moments, there were some times when i almost cried because someone appreciated my efforts and those small pinches of pride or joy tears, but not to make it embarrassing i too put a hold on them. After that there was not really anything for which i got appreciated to the extent where i can even reach those emotions again, Honestly i don't think i had put any efforts also after that period. I do put my all there, but everyone else too, so there was not much to celebrate and it was like a duty beautifully done and thats all. 

I think now with all this emotions out i can work with the feeling of accepting the situation as i am right now. I won't press myself to become a cryier, well if that word exists, but i will am more than good to be accepting for who i am. 

I will cry when the time comes, i am not embarrassed or hurt for not able to cry as this protection is something i worked for, even though i am already living in a safer environment and this shell had been somewhat of burden, but i wont look down my effort and carry it along with me to my future life and embrace it. 

I think i would not have any better closure with any doubts of my life. well lets hope for the best,
I wish you learnt something if not learnt, atleast understand what questioning yourself can help with or this process of writing. 

Writing is such a wonderful thing. Its so powerful, as reader as well as writer feels empowered in their own role. 

i wish you good health and fortune,

see you next week;

Brianil

I think i ran out of photos, but Jiwan is someone whom i looked upto in my mind whenever i felt how to deal with a situation, although i have not confronted this fact to him, but he is a great human being who is my cousin.